i watched mea culpa the other afternoon and it is a perfect movie. it gave me everything i require in a piece of cinema:
-naked butts slathered in metallic paint
-beautiful, expensive coats
-a plot so fucking stupid i feel stupid for being able to follow it
did beyoncé have to watch this? i mean, do the parameters of her friendship with kelly rowland require that she watch her making grass sandwiches with a dude who had paint dripping between his ass cheeks?? that’s all i could think about as i watched this, the best movie i have ever seen in my entire fucking life. like do you have to watch the woman who once helped you dance battle your evil doppelgängers in an inexplicably damp dark alleyway get her back blown out by a possible murderer??? what is the specific clause in the friend contract that states how you must handle it when your homegirl stars in a movie in which she fights a hotel maid who uses a couple spritzes of windex as a weapon!!!! like………..does she have a letterboxed review of this or what?
dumb movies like this (complimentary) are my oxygen. i hate having to do things like “comprehend” and “ascertain,” i want my entertainment to waft over me like a cool, refreshing breeze. why are they in boxing class wearing contour and sparkly eyeshadow? what was the husband doing in that hotel room before we saw him on the grainy surveillance camera footage?? what chicago neighborhood is this dirt road highway supposed to be in??? is that lady actually even dead??????? i will never know, because it absolutely does not matter. i don’t come to these films seeking logic and/or continuity, i want to shout GIRL DON’T FUCK HIM at my TV screen while googling “menopause facial hair removal near me” on my phone. anyway, i will watch this movie 87 more times. i’m adding it to the canon posthaste:
fatale
internet summary: after a wild one-night stand, derrick, a successful sports agent, watches his perfect life slowly disappear when he discovers that the sexy and mysterious woman he risked everything for is a determined police detective who entangles him in her latest investigation. as he tries desperately to put the pieces together, he falls deeper into her trap, risking his family, his career, and even his life.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* ONE MISTAKE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE
run time: 102 minutes, which is almost too many minutes.
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: they got thee mo cuishle to be in this shit??? doesn’t she have a bunch of oscars?????? was she late on a mortgage payment, because…………it feels like this abrupt career pivot should’ve been a way bigger story, maybe a feature above the fold on the front page of alaska daily. anyway the main dude, the protagonist, the ~perfect guy~ if you will, is played by none other than the delectable michael ealy, a master of the form and staple of the genre.
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: yes, the world is small; oftentimes incredibly, uncomfortably, inescapably so, BUT: if i go to my homeboy’s bachelor party in las vegas and sleep with a mysterious woman twirling in slow motion dancing by herself to my type in the middle of a crowded-ass disco afterward, then two days later my gorgeous LA mansion gets robbed in the dead of night while i’m mid-stroke on top of my unsuspecting wife and the cop that shows up to investigate is that exact same lonely-ass dancing-ass lady??? i would just tell them to go on ahead and put me under the jail. ain’t no way.
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!! sightings: luke cage! detective nick amaro!! elvin tibideaux!!! caine!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the thrill: there is a scene in which michael ealy has a secret revealed to him while standing fully clothed on a beach, looking through binoculars. i almost laugh myself to death every time i watch it, because there’s no way not to look dumb as hell while talking about, posing with, or squinting into fucking binoculars. even the coolest-looking (oxymoron) binoculars look fucking stupid, no matter who is wearing them. i’m supposed to take this tuff guy seriously with a nylon cord around his neck??? with those big, doofy magnifying glasses banging around on his chest????? yeah, okay!
special effects: my man uses a GOLF CLUB to fight off and chase out a gentleman with a GUN.
STARZ: 5/5
obsessed
internet summary: things couldn't be better for derek charles. he's just received a big promotion at work and has a wonderful marriage with his beautiful wife, sharon, and their baby, kyle. however, into this idyllic world steps lisa, a temp at derek's office. lisa begins to stalk derek, jeopardizing all he holds dear.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* ALL’S FAIR WHEN LOVE IS WAR.
run time: 108 minutes, an excellent number of minutes!
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: idris elba, beyoncé?beyoncé???BEYONCÉ?????????
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: let’s start by saying i don’t require accuracy in literally any movie, not even real life historical ones. i’m not gonna fucking do research, who cares, BUT: does the same temp ever get assigned to multiple people within the same company over and over and over again? in los angeles??? homegirl is supposed to be just filling in for a sick secretary but ends up working enough hours to qualify for a goddamn pension, it’s absurd!
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶 (if i recall correctly there’s maybe some making out on a carpeted floor beneath a ceiling mirror? and later, an allusion to bathroom sex?? nothing to really jork your peanits to tbh)
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!! sightings: i am always overjoyed to see jerry o’connell goofing it up on my television screen, and i also very much enjoy looking at ali larter who right now, according to google, is doing absolutely nothing. good for her!
the thrill: there’s a scene when derek gets an email from his temp-tress and he clicks it and a bunch of pictures of her populate his computer screen and his wife is in the bathroom washing her face before bed and he has to become his own IT guy in a literal split second to keep her from catching him and it caused me actual stress. also, the way beyoncé says the name “kyle.”
special effects: the fight scene in which these girls take turns getting kicked in the head and dangling each other over a banister is tremendous, but the fact that ali is barefoot in panties and beyoncé is wearing high heeled suede boots and a tight-fitting mini vest that doesn’t so much as lose a button elevates it to high art.
STARZ: 5/5
the perfect guy
internet summary: with a fulfilling career and a loving relationship, lobbyist leah vaughn seems to have it all. things come crashing down when dave, her long-term boyfriend, questions her future plans for marriage and a family. the resulting breakup leaves leah heartbroken, until she meets the charming and handsome carter duncan. soon, the budding romance turns dangerous as carter reveals his volatile nature, forcing leah to turn the tables on the man she thought was mister right.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* TRUST ONE, FEAR THE OTHER.
run time: 100 minutes, a perfect number of minutes!
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: sanaa lathan, morris chestnut (we’ll be seeing him again), and michael ealy (whom we have already seen once and will make yet another triumphant return).
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: i know this goes against the bible or whatever but i don’t know that i’d just let morris chestnut walk out of my life forever over a silly little thing like a marriage proposal. he has those square pecs that peek out from the top of his undershirt like two smooth legos and his head looks like a perfectly glossy milk dud and he does that thing where you can see his tongue between his teeth when he talks but somehow it’s sexy instead of revolting and i’m not sure i could kick him outta my bed over something as small as a marriage license?? i mean, sacred institution blah blah blah, but unless lobbyist leah vaughn needs an organ transplant and he has good insurance what’s the matter with banging a hot dude after a nice dinner then sending him home to sleep in his own apartment??? maybe if she appreciated being able to fart in the kitchen and having an entire california king to herself she might not have wound up almost-murdered by an imperfect weirdo.
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶 banging in the bathroom at a reggae club to sean paul???????????
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!!!!!!! sightings: the mechanic from fight club! tara from true blood! jesse pinkman’s mom! roc! poole from the fugitive!!!!!
the thrill: i’m sorry but i loOOooOoOOove toxic masculinity when it involves two hot, fictional men competing for the affections of a gorgeous lady. there’s a scene where lobbyist leah is sitting at an upscale bar (they’re playing jazz in the background) and this gross drunk letch is huskily slurring his vodka breath into her face trying to get her to go home with him and he’s not taking the hint and gets way too close and then michael ealy sidles up and tells him to hit the fucking bricks (she doesn’t know him, which makes it even hotter?) and then he does the sexiest thing a man could ever do: patiently listens while she complains to him ad nauseum about some other goddamn dude.
special effects: one thing these movies fucking salivate over is a brooding, sensitive art man living alone in a scary industrial loft. what is so appealing about an unmade twin bed in a converted warehouse decorated with 18/8 stainless steel shelving? are women really out here dying to fuck a man who lives inside a shitty local restaurant’s walk-in cooler????
STARZ: 5/5
a perfect murder
internet summary: millionaire industrialist (WHAT) steven taylor is a man who has everything but what he craves most: the love and fidelity of his wife. a hugely successful player in the new york financial world, he considers her to be his most treasured acquisition. but she needs more than simply the role of dazzling accessory. brilliant in her own right, she works at the UN and is involved with a struggling artist who fulfills her physical and emotional needs. when her husband discovers her indiscretion, he sets out to commit the perfect murder.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* A POWERFUL HUSBAND. AN UNFAITHFUL WIFE. A JEALOUS LOVER. ALL OF THEM HAVE A MOTIVE. EACH OF THEM HAS A PLAN.
run time: 107 minutes, an exactly right number of minutes.
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: michael douglas (honestly he should get his own subcategory in the genre, my man loves to be erotic and thrilling), gwyneth paltrow, and viggo mortenson’s fine ass.
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: rich people shit is crazy so yeah, i buy it.
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶🌶 there is a scene where viggo and gwyneth are ~making love~ in his illegal artist loft (see?????????) and forgive me for being a hopeless romantic but it is very tender and there’s a lot of hair-smoothing and it’s very hot and convincing.
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!!!!!! sightings: steve brady? seema patel???
the thrill: when emily starts to suspect that steven actually has it out for her and decides to leave his ass, she moves in with sarita for a little bit to get away from him. while she’s crying at the table sarita says to gwyneth “i got you your favorite yogurt,” ostensibly to soothe her, and it kills me??????? i have been obsessed with that specific line since i first heard it in the movie theater at the old orchard mall in NINETEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT. are there really people who, when faced with an attempted murder at the hands of their own spouse, seek solace in a disposable plastic cup of dannon fruit on the bottom? this dude is plotting to kill her, could you maybe run out and grab a pizza and some margarita mix?????
special effects: there’s a fight scene between emily and her attacker in the kitchen, and gwyneth is such a bad bitch, she kills dude with a giant meat thermometer straight into his jugular with an extremely wet squelch, and that’s after this motherfucker literally throws her clean across a kitchen counter and onto the floor! he tosses her like a ragdoll and she somehow recovers and murders him two seconds later. INCREDIBLE.
STARZ: 5/5
fatal affair
internet summary: ellie tries to mend her marriage with her husband marcus after a brief encounter with an old friend, david, only to find that david is more dangerous and unstable than she'd realized.
no tagline so here’s an anonymous review: “it was embarrassing to watch and annoyingly boring.” my kind of picture!
run time: 89 minutes, HELL YEAH BROTHER!!!
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: nia long, the most gorgeous woman in the world, and the return of the inimitable omar epps!!!!!
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: a thing that has always vexed me in movies and on TV is when a character is beginning her very important meeting-filled day on the 742nd floor of a towering office building weaving through the noisy cubicles and corner offices with an overstuffed attaché in one hand and a designer trench coat draped artfully over the shoulder of her brioni silk blazer, her silk press shimmering as it gently grazes her cheek, and the entire vibe is ruined because she’s carrying a takeout coffee at a fucking 47° angle. put some goddamn water in there! or a few marbles!! how about a couple balled-up socks!!! literally anything to make it look like this woman you expect us to believe is a high-powered corporate attorney is a serious, americano-drinking person and not a four-year-old with an imaginary coffee pretending to be mommy at work! i mean, the cup was parallel to the fucking floor at one point i almost died!!!!!
softcore steaminess rating: ½🌶 (unless you’re into edging or blue balls, in which case 🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶)
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!! sightings: hold up, is that estelle?
the thrill: at one point nia long and her husband (this hot piece) are sitting in their kitchen at the table eating dinner in darkened silence, no ipad no youtube no TV no radio no phone set between them playing music on its shitty little speaker, and that is the most terrifying thing i could ever imagine. just cutting your rapidly-congealing salisbury steak into itty bitty pieces across from a person who’s not even gossiping about the bitch they hate most at work??? electric chair!
special effects: this! entire! fucking! scene! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
STARZ: 5/5
the boy next door
internet summary: when a handsome, charming teenager named noah moves in next door, newly separated high school teacher claire peterson encourages his friendship with her son and engages in a little bit of harmless—or so she thinks—flirtation. although noah spends much of the time hanging out with claire's son, the teen's attraction to her is palpable. one night, claire gives in to temptation and lets noah seduce her. but when she eventually tries to end the relationship, he turns violent
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* A MOMENT SHE COULDN’T RESIST, AN OBSESSION HE CAN’T CONTROL!!!!!!!
run time: 91 minutes, an impressively brief number of minutes!
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: jennifer lopez (once upon a time jlo was a fly girl, so this is technically black cinema), aidan shaw, and eddie diaz from the greatest program in television history, 9-1-1.
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: idk man, one of the weirdest and most unanticipated things about being middle-aged is how seamlessly my smooth-ass brain automatically reprogrammed itself from “wow, that guy’s hot” to “aww, that little fella adorable i gave birth to him.” i wasn’t even cognizant of the transition until i went to follow karl anthony towns on instagram a couple weeks ago and instead of imagining climbing his slick, sweaty limbs like a sex tree i found myself hoping he’d had a good day and feeling a maternal swell of pride at how well the timberwolves were doing in the playoffs. despite “noah” supposedly being a “teenager” he looks approximately thirty-eight years old, but still i’m like “ew” because i cannot imagine lusting after a man who carries a backpack with textbooks in it!!!!
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶 FINGERING!!!!!!!!! fingering is finally getting its fucking due! i watched (and adored) that sexy-ass new anne hathaway romcom and the sex in it is so fucking hot and it’s so fucking hot for two reasons: 1 when they kiss they use tongue and you can see it and 2 the first thing my sweet and thoughtful new boyfriend did was bring miss annie to orgasm with his fingers!!! he still had all his clothes on!!!! that is the very best way to have sex!!!!!!!!! anyway king
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!!!!! sightings: hill harper, whitney cummings, plus this absolute legend.
the thrill: the scene that made my stomach fall out of my butt was when jlo gets to school to discover that this young psychopath has wallpapered her classroom with dozens of pictures of the two of them boning and the laserjet on her desk is printing out grainy photo after grainy photo of her being mounted from behind by this adult child she has to lock her first period students out in the hallway to try and clean them up before the kids see and she’s in a panic scurrying around the room gathering the photos and the principal shows up and starts banging on the door
special effects: kristin chenoweth’s omnipresent frosted lipstick.
STARZ: 5/5
unforgettable
internet summary: barely coping with the end of her marriage, tessa connover learns that her ex-husband, david, is now happily engaged to a woman named julia. trying to settle into her new life, julia believes she has finally met the man of her dreams, the man who can help her forget her troubled past. soon, tessa's jealousy starts to consume her, and she will stop at nothing to turn julia's paradise into the ultimate nightmare.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* WHEN LOVE ENDS, MADNESS BEGINS.
run time: 100 minutes, a super number of minutes!
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: rosario dawson and katherine heigl.
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: can whatever happened that got katherine heigl up out the paint be over (unless it was racism) so she can get back to being amazing in movies? damn she’s so sinister and good.
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶🌶 there’s a pretty hot sex-in-the-bathroom-in-the-middle-of-a-celebratory-dinner-at-a-restaurant scene that was, of course, extremely stressful to me, a person who needs every bathroom in the building unlocked and available before i take a single bite of delicious food. it’s my nightmare to be forced to knock on a door with heavy-breathing sweaty people behind it and beg them to put their dicks away so i can take a big shit. it’s also my nightmare to be trapped in a tiny, windowless room desperately trying to have an orgasm while people in business-casual clothes sit fifty feet away eating shrimp.
any exciting hey look it’s that guy! sightings: this fucking guy who i often confuse for this fucking guy and sometimes this other fucking guy!
the thrill: love to see my exciting life as an evil stepmother reflected back to me on the big screen!!!!
special effects: at one point izzy stevens (iykyk) is catfishing and trying to arrange some fuckshit over messenger and she gets so hot talking to this dangerous stranger with a grainy avatar (who’s not really even saying anything particularly sexy!) that she cannot control the irresistible urge to start masturbating at her desk. not this stupid ass movie singlehandedly making me nostalgic for being messy on facebook?
STARZ: 5/5
addicted
internet summary: successful gallerist and businesswoman (oh no, not again!) zoe reynard seems to have a charmed life. she has a wonderful, loving husband, two beautiful children, and a thriving career. however, as perfect as her life might look to other people, zoe is secretly tormented by nymphomania. her need for constant sexual gratification leads her into a secretive existence; one that, ultimately, may put her family, career, and life on the line.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* EVERY WOMAN NEEDS AN ESCAPE.
run time: 106 minutes, an extremely sexy number of minutes.
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: sharon leal, boris kodjoe.
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: okay there’s a scene in which zoe, a professional person, goes to the apartment of this painter, quinton, a man she has met one time. she lets herself in, and when he hears her he comes to the door while putting a shirt on. maybe people with gorgeous bodies just sit around exposing them all the time but if i heard someone breaking into my house i’d maybe throw a sweatshirt on and grab a knife? but dude pads lazily in, his body completely dry like this motherfucker wasn’t even in the shower or anything!!!, putting a shirt on in slow motion to greet an intruder in his home. it’s astonishing!! then they have sex on this tiny, waiting room-sized couch, and as he’s going down on zoe we get the sexual-ecstasy-from-the-waist-up-only shot and all i could think was “where are his legs where are his legs is he kneeling his he squatting is he getting a cramp in his thigh muscle what is he doing with his legs!”
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶 four minutes in we are treated to hot, sweaty, naked boris kodjoe butt in both the missionary and spooning positions, followed immediately by zoe getting after it with a giant vibrator while watching porn at her desk. there’s also a really good sex scene in the cleanest nightclub bathroom in history, plus abs and butts and boobs and chests (seriously, is every gentleman in this film allergic to shirts?) throughout. spicy!!
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!! sightings: tyson beckford’s fine ass!!! my absolute queeeeeeen tasha smith!!!!!!!! this guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the thrill: zoe’s therapist (the movie is framed by scenes between zoe and her very concerned mental health professional in which zoe recounts the scintillating details of her sex life while the doctor murmurs disapprovingly) conducts their sessions with no shoes on. no shoes, no socks, just curled up in a squishy chair charging $400 an hour with her raw footskin and immaculate pedicure in plain sight of her client. excuse me??? are therapists allowed to be that relaxed????? my psychiatrist won’t let me see the bare whitish-gray wall she sits in front of during our sessions without hitting it with the blur filter, i honestly can’t even be sure she has feet.
special effects: in one scene the artist/lover is painting zoe’s portrait (an aside: i do not understand this trope at all! if i’m going to have sex with an artist, that artist is gonna paint me a picture of something i can sell when they eventually dump me!! what am i gonna do with a drooling watercolor interpretation of my own face, they’re not gonna hang my jowls in the louvre!!!) and again he’s bare-chested in an unbuttoned button up, but to prove he’s an ~artist~ this time he’s got paint on him, but instead of an accidental splatter it’s artfully swiped across the naked skin at his collarbone and it’s so weird and funny that i burst out laughing every time.
STARZ: 5/5
when the bough breaks
summary: john and laura taylor are a young, professional (and extremely successful duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!) couple who desperately want a baby. after exhausting all other options, they finally hire anna, the perfect woman, to be their surrogate. but as she gets further along in her pregnancy, so too does her psychotic and dangerous fixation on john. the couple becomes caught up in anna's deadly game and must fight to regain control of their future before it's too late.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* SHE’S CARRYING MORE THAN JUST A SECRET.
run time: 107 minutes, a fantastic number of minutes!
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: morris chestnut’s fine ass and regina king who is also fine as hell, why this isn’t a porn is beyond me??
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: “It's amazing how, with such low expectations, When the Bough Breaks manages to surprise with how dull and bloodless most of it is (not to mention being a weak PG-13 when it could just go all out for adults with an R); and then when it needs to bring the insanity it completely drops the ball, miserably. It doesn't even have enough madness or fire in its belly to make it a guilty pleasure in any real way. The only decent thing I can say about the whole thing is that Morris Chestnut is trying, but that doesn't mean much when he is given such a script that is an insult to boilers and plates.” - imdb user quinoa19662, who is wrong.
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!!! sightings: cut to me full-body gasping when juice from sons of anarchy popped up as the evil villain, of all characters; we also get jay from smart tech and omar from the wire!
the thrill: morris chestnut’s mouth and torso and face and neck and feet and chin and forearms and mouth and calves and chest and eyes and ears and sternum and knees and teeth and glutes and mouth and wrists and elbows and stomach and toes and thighs and shoulders and tongue and nostrils and armpits and lips.
special effects: an upwardly mobile black couple with a cutie tootie little sweetie pie pet cat?????
STARZ: 5/5
lakeview terrace
imdb summary: a young, successful (why is weird, terrible shit always happening to successful young people??? this is why we all should be losers) interracial couple move into a new home in an exclusive california neighborhood. chris and lisa mattson are greeted with hostility by their new neighbor, LAPD sergeant abel turner, a widower and single father with a son and daughter. chris and lisa attempt to be cordial with abel; despite this, abel becomes more and more aggressive and disruptive to the mattsons’ home. this eventually leads to a retaliation from chris and ends in a confrontation that has tragic consequences.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* WHAT COULD BE SAFER THAN LIVING NEXT TO A COP?
run time: 110 minutes, the correct number of minutes.
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: samuel l jackson (who should have a subgenre of these movies all to himself; he deserves an honorary oscar for changing lanes at a bare minimum), kerry washington aka olivia pope, and the ridiculously gorgeous, golden-throated hunk patrick wilson.
plausibility of the medium dumb plot: one of my worst non-imaginary nightmares is the prospect of being legally bound to anyplace someone i can’t control might disturb me and wreck my peace. nothing is more terrifying than borrowing more money than you can count from a bank that will absolutely murder you
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶 there’s a pretty hot scene where chris and lisa are getting busy in the pool, but you see it through the prying eyes of sam jackson’s nosy-ass little kids, so that knocks a spicy chili off, i’m sorry!
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!!!!! sightings: karev from grey’s! carlos from crazy/beautiful! hucklebuck from sanford and son!
the thrill: when, upon discovering that his tires have been slashed in the middle of the night, chris grabs a lacrosse stick to chase off the culprit??? pure movie magic! all the dangerous shit in your average garage that you could grab to try to maim somebody with, and my guy chooses the lacrosse stick. absolute genius! the director is like “heck, you thought this guy was white? well, lemme tell ya, this guy is REALLY FREAKING WHITE.” greatest scene in the damn movie.
special effects: at one point samuel l jackson’s daughter, who clearly has a fresh relaxer, is swimming in kerry washington’s pool without a swimming cap and i absolutely do not believe she would do that.
STARZ: 5/5
no good deed
internet summary: a lonely mother invites a handsome car-accident victim into her home. desperate for a little attention, she doesn't realize she's entertaining a sociopathic, yet charming, escaped convict. in one terrifying night her life completely changes as she fights for her own life and the lives of her children.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* FIRST HE GETS INTO YOUR HOUSE, THEN HE GETS INTO YOUR HEAD. (and your panties, i mean come on it’s idris.)
run time: 84 minutes, a perfect number of minutes.
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: taraji and idris
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: okay a thing i hate about movies and television in the year of our lord 2024 is that we all have cell phones and they ruin everything. this movie works because taraji has to leave this psycho on her porch while she runs to grab her cordless house phone so he can get ahold of AAA, then she later discovers he’s cut the wires to that very same phone so she can’t call for help. THAT IS EXCITING. this is not possible today, when she can just yell “hey siri i’m about to get shot” in the general direction of her iphone and homegirl will have the national guard on her doorstep in a matter of minutes. i don’t want to see a distressed damsel texting the killer, i like my thrillers analog!!!!
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶 (idris takes a slow motion shower)
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!! sightings: is that the legendary brooke mcqueen in my 2pm sex thriller?????
the thrill: when idris crashes his car and a utility pole smashes through the windshield my skeleton almost jumped out of my body.
special effects: early in the movie when dude knocks on the door to use the phone taraji is in the kitchen helping her daughter (in a princess costume, i think?) cut up one undressed hotdog for her dinner. why a plain boiled hotdog? with no bun?? and zero condiments??? who is the person who makes these decisions and what was the thought process behind it????
STARZ: 5/5
the intruder
internet summary: scott and annie couldn't be happier after buying their dream home from a mysterious and lonely widower named charlie in napa valley, california. their newfound paradise soon turns into a living nightmare when charlie, still strangely attached to the house, begins to show up and interfere in their daily lives. when his erratic behavior turns to obsession, the young couple soon find themselves caught up in a violent confrontation that threatens to destroy everything they hold dear.
tagline: *movie voiceover guy* YOUR HOUSE, HIS HOME.
run time: 102 minutes, a glorious number of minutes!
who’s in it that you’ve heard of: meagan good (duh), michael ealy (natch), and dennis quaid (I’M SORRY, WHOMPST)????
plausibility of the medium-dumb plot: first of all, this movie is a masterpiece. this review i read sums it up the best: “40% of the film felt like an R&B music video compilation.” (pejorative!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
softcore steaminess rating: 🌶🌶🌶🌶🌶 i’m not really into, you know, seminal fluid on the counter where we keep the fruit bowl, but there’s a very very spicy kitchen sex scene and ooOoOooh yum dot com.
any exciting hey look it’s that guy!!!! sightings: why hello, tommy egan from the hit starz shows power and power book vi: force, i’ve missed you! (my kingdom for them to bring ghost back as an actual ghost who comes back to life à la patrick swayze the original ghost and reboot power, one of the most perfect shows to ever exist)
the thrill: i’m sorry but dennis quaid is old and sexy and if i discovered that he was living in my walls or whatever i’d put on my most alluring gravy-colored robe with nothing on underneath and sit up in bed and when he busted in at 2am to murder me i would scare his ass and say something smooth as hell like “i’ve got a couple walls you can dive into” while licking my teeth and pointing at my crotch. what can i say, i like my meat seasoned!!!!!!!!!!
special effects: annie “writes for women’s magazines” and they can afford this giant ass house next to a nature preserve and a winery in napa freaking valley?????? brb i gotta go learn journalism.
STARZ: 5/5
you deserve a treat
